Atta Girl

As professional in this culture, I spent most of my career driven by a sense of purpose.  As a Christian, I felt like my purpose ought to have something to do with God, so I prayed for God to tell me my purpose and send me in the right direction.

 I had jobs as a licensed therapist, facilitator, trainer, program manager and researcher before becoming a Deacon and spiritual director. In every role, I was driven by the desire to serve God through helping individuals, my community and the church.

 While these were certainly noble desires, there was a problem. I was working for God rather than with God. Sure, I prayed for guidance regularly and I know God spoke to me and even through me sometimes. Yet, in my heart, I knew I was working for God to please God.  

 Of course, pleasing God is a good thing, and the hope of knowing that I pleased God seemed reasonable. But it got twisted by my deep hope and expectation of some kind of reward.

 What I really wanted was to feel some kind of spiritual consolation for my efforts on God’s behalf. I wanted to feel a sense of God’s appreciation for my efforts – I wanted an “atta girl” from God.

 Wanting a responsive relationship with God wasn’t the problem. The problem was that I had objectified God by expecting God to respond to my works with rewards or punishments. I placed myself in the position of the trained animal performing for treats, effectively turning God into an object that I controlled with my behavior. If I do well, God will be pleased and reward me and if I do poorly, God will be angry and punish me. Either way, I am ultimately in control.

To my frustration, God didn’t play along.