Lament – an Antidote for Toxic Positivity

A few weeks ago, I spent time at Sky Ranch Lutheran Camp with this year’s camp counselors as they were trained. As part of the training a local therapist talked about maintaining the mental health of themselves and their campers. She named “toxic positivity” as one factor impacting youth today.  Toxic Positivity is the cultural pressure to always be happy or to immediately see the silver lining in difficult situations.

Toxic positivity isn’t only impacting youth, it shows up all over our culture. We contribute to toxic positivity when we tell someone who is hurting to cheer up, say they are overreacting, or tell them not to worry or cry because “it’s all part of God’s plan” and “everything will be all right”. These well-meaning comments can be harmful because they essentially tell the person that the feelings they have right now are not okay and must change.   

Toxic positivity seems to come from the idea that reality is what you make it – so if you focus on the positive or potential for positive, things will always work out in your favor.

There is some truth to this. Cognitive Psychology shows us the relationship between our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. For example, when some people stand on the edge of a cliff, they are terrified while others are exhilarated. The cliff doesn’t “make” them feel a certain way. Their response is based on their beliefs about the cliff which trigger certain thoughts, which in turn trigger related emotions. By changing your beliefs about the cliff, you can change the emotions that arise when you stand at its edge.  

However, this kind of purely cognitive approach is not helpful in dealing with healthy, rational fears or very real losses. When “fake it ‘till you make it” goes from a joke to a life strategy, it becomes unacceptable to experience or express “negative” emotions. Our legitimate grief, pain and sadness get stuffed down inside of us while we paste on a plastic smile for the world. The repressed sorrow festers within us, poisoning our souls and distorting our perspectives.

When we do something that hurts others, it is normal, natural, and healthy to feel guilty.  The ugly feeling of guilt incentivizes us to make amends and to avoid repeating that behavior. It is also normal and natural to feel sadness or grief after a significant loss in our life. Whether we lose a person, a job, or a dream, any loss will trigger a response of sadness and perhaps grief. Putting a positive spin on our loss only deepens the wound in our soul.

The Bible shows us another way to deal with pain, loss and helplessness– Lament. Lament isn’t just feeling sad for a while. It is much deeper. Lament is the expressing of the bone crushing sorrow that fills the bereaved and spills over in tears and cries of raw grief.

Jesus was no stranger to lament. When he learned his friend Lazarus died, Jesus wept bitterly (Matthew 26:75).  In the garden, Jesus begged God to let the bitter cup pass from him (Luke 22:42). Later, on the cross, Jesus cried out “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matt 27:46)

Jesus lamented. He turned to God in all of his pain and no magic wand rescued him from the experience. He grieved, cried, and eventually died.

Lament isn’t “fixed” by God. It is something we must move through. Lament is an important part of how we grow spiritually.

Years ago, a friend of mine struggled to grieve the loss of her mother. She had a lot going on in her life at the time – recently divorced, a student in graduate school, raising two children…. She was afraid that if she stopped to cry it would overwhelm her. She feared that if she got overwhelmed, she wouldn’t be able to function and her life – which was teetering on the edge of collapse, would actually fall apart. In her bones she “knew” that if she allowed herself to cry, she would not be able to stop. The feeling of approaching tears was like a tidal wave rising to crush her – so she kept running from it. 

I pointed out to her that no one had ever actually cried to death and urged her to find a safe space, grab some tissues and let the tears come.

It took a lot of courage, but she did.

She cried and cried for hours. Just as the sobbing stopped, it started up again even stronger than before. But eventually the waves of grief and flood of tears became ripples and passed. The grief wasn’t gone, but the crushing force of it had abetted and she was still there – alive and sitting in a room of soggy tissues. This was the turning point for her – the beginning of her healing.

Lament is necessary. It is part of a healthy emotional life cycle. Just as forests must burn to remove old dead trees and make way for new growth, sometimes we must allow our pain to rise up and overwhelm us in what feels like a fire so that we too can be cleansed of the dead wood in our hearts.

The Bible has an entire book dedicated to lament called Lamentations.  Lamentations is an acrostic poem. This is the kind of poem where the first letter of each line spells out a word. In the case of Lamentations, the stanzas are written in the order of the Hebrew alphabet. If it were written in English the lines would be written in the pattern of sentences starting with  AA, BB, CC, DD…  ZZ.

Lamentations shares the grief of a people who were torn away from the Promised Land and hauled off by conquers to a foreign land where they would live as servants. Their pain and grief were so complete and overwhelming that it covered every single letter of the alphabet.  All of God’s promises appeared to come to an end. This had been the promised land that God brought them out of Egypt to inhabit! How could God go back on that promise?

While the cries within Lamentation are painful to read, when you do read it, you can also see why they were necessary. It’s stanzas weep over the loss of their homeland and the fate of her people. They cry out to God in anger:

“Is it nothing to you?” (Lam 1:12). “My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, “Gone is my glory, and all that I had hoped for from the Lord.” (Lam 3:17-18)

At the same time, they reflect on their transgressions and recognize that they rebelled against God. They acknowledge that their behavior enraged God and that God had warned them against the path they took. They realize that they had abandoned God and God’s ways.

“Let us test and examine our ways and return to the Lord. Let us lift up our hearts as well as our hands to God in heaven. We have transgressed and rebelled, and you have not forgiven. (Lam 3: 40-42)

Only with this kind of unflinching reflection could the Hebrews learn from their mistakes and find a healthy path forward. It was only through reflection that they could turn back to God. Yet, the process had to begin where they were by turning to God with anger and grief.

When have you felt deep grief? When have you felt betrayed by God? When have you realized that you disappointed God and/or those you love?

Don’t hold it in. Turn toward God and let God have it all – your fear, anger, rage, helplessness, sense of betrayal – all of it. God can take it, but you cannot. If you keep it in, it turns into a toxin that poisons you. 

That is the nature of toxic positivity. Grief and pain are not toxic in themselves. What makes them toxic is keeping them inside. Buried within you, these emotions become like a festering wound accumulating puss and poisoning our souls. By opening our wounds, we let out the toxic stew and make room for healing. God stands ready to receive all you need to give God. Grab your tissues and maybe a journal. Find a safe space and open your heart to God.